sweaty foreheads, sun flares in photographs, and feeling too fat in my clothes.
summer is way early this year, and he’s gonna get rough. (btw, i detest weather talk with a passion. it’s so… tacky. unless you’re talking to a meteorologist, or watching a cool documentary) so, what to do. eat less (but better). quit smoking (for good). and slow down. like really. slow. the fuck. down.
that was my ONE New Year’s ‘resolution’ this year. to slow down and be more present. that one has been a toughie. maybe one of the hardest habits to break. i recently reconnected with a friend who went through some heavy shit. and survived. and came into his life, a little bit enlightened.
it scared the shit out of me. he held up a mirror (unknowingly, it’s cool man, i forgive you) and the reflection i saw was like a collage of anxiety and bad habits. it ripped off a scab i thought had already turned into a scar. i bled. on the inside. a lot. it hurt. i realized very strongly, presently, for real, how fast i was/am racing through my life. eager to get somewhere where i’m not me. the me that i am now. i’m kinda fighting against this guy that i live with, day in, day out. we ignore each other a lot, and judge pretty harshly. there are a few tender moments here and there, but for the most part, the quiet dialogue we share is pretty dark. and sad.
i dated a guy in Brooklyn last year. our dialogue was pretty dark. and sad. i regret that very much. we had a pretty cool friendship going. one that we both liked a lot. and then, as often things do, it got complicated. that’s mostly my doing. i’m ok with that. i don’t blame myself in a bad way, but knowing that making things harder than they need to be is pretty much a bad idea across the board. it’s kinda like a bad habit.
habits are like… what are they like…? they’re like, routine. they’re familiar. you know them. i guess the unknown is scary. and weird. and sometimes hard to walk into. and through. but hey guess what? that’s life.
totally stream of consciousness type writing right now. no destination, just rumination.
watching the cursor blink is super boring, so i guess i’ll write more just to keep my hands moving. i actually like typing. for two reasons. it’s tactile and visual at the same time. and it involves words/memory/speed/skill/practice. and i taught myself.
ok. three reasons.
the third is actually pretty cool. some of my earliest memories are of being in summer ‘camps’ (PS: i hate it when you go to ash a cigarette, and it doesn’t. it’s almost like not getting a boner when you’re about to have sex. kinda obligatory. and embarrassing. like you don’t know what you’re doing. which is a total turn off… i digress).
summer camps. more like juvenile day-care type programs held at a local school for single moms, busy parents, or the generally misplaced and not fully loved. it was pretty cool. that’s where my sister learned to type. i remember being so amazed and jealous. i was too young to actually take the ‘class’, but i sat in a few times and pecked away like a pro. anyway, fast forward… 12 years or so, and i’m working at the front desk of a brand new hotel in downtown Spokane, WA. that’s where i was raised. i’m still growing up, so i guess i can’t technically say that happened any one place.
so i’m at the front desk. the hotel is dead. i’m in school, studying Mandarin on the side (recently re-discovering my passion for language and getting ready to swan dive into class at Fluent Brooklyn in April!) and decide to learn how to type.
i mean, c’mon. how embarrassing/unprofessional is it to peck away at the keyboard for someone’s last name. not know what the hell the Tab key actually does, and fumble around the number keys as though it were a graphing calculator without a manual. bad news.
so i jumped online and found a site that taught the basics. and i practiced. every day. asdfjkl;. those were the first letters i learned. i’m still learning. there are a bunch of symbols and punctuation i don’t use very often, so i have to look down every once and while but for the most part, i got this one.
on a good day.
Featured art attributed to Ferris Plock. One of my all-time favorites. from San Francisco (Halsey Chait is another of my go-to guys, i actually have two of his pieces. he’s also from SF). it reminds me of my most recent real boyfriend ex. in a good way. as a kid, i was infatuated with Japan and Japanese culture. he studied there for two years. i hope one day i can share cool stuff like this with him again. i know he’d appreciate it. till then, it’s just me and… me.