windswept bonsai

Seeds and Deeds

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I recently sent to someone very special in my life…

just a few thoughts on the state of ‘things’ in my world. Nothing too dark, but not necessarily ‘light and fluffy’.

It’s my reality, right now. And that’s ok:

In the great debate about ‘nature vs nurture’ I’m coming to see that it’s really a balance of both that helps form happy, healthy children. Who then mature into (mostly) happy and healthy adults. Not to weigh too heavily or assign blame (which isn’t productive) I know in looking back that I was robbed of both these things.

Starting off in the world with known neurological dysfunction but not getting appropriate treatment until highly symptomatic. Never knowing what a happy parent looks or feels like… let alone two, together. And in the place of what could and should have easily grown into confidence and pride, were perhaps unknowingly planted the seeds of low self esteem and guilt… you name it, I adopted it.

And in a strange way, I feel adopted. By those around me. My true ‘family’.

I remember you always used to call your friends your family. And I so completely understand now. Family isn’t just about blood relations, or forced connections. It’s about surrounding yourself with the people who lift you up. And for whom you provide support as well.

It’s not about climbing over one another. It’s about helping each other climb.

I’m very lucky in that I have the most incredible people in my life, at the times in which they shine the brightest. And at a time in which they help me polish a bit of tarnish off my own silvery sparkle.

Maybe it’s a good thing I have a lofted bed. It makes it tough to just ‘crawl under the covers’. And now that I’m out and meeting people, it’s expected that I participate. Engage. Show up… Strangely, for the first time in my life, I feel as though in not doing any of those things I wouldn’t just be letting others down, I’d be letting myself down too.

I’m starting to see myself as others do. Through my actions and acquaintances. My doings. Divings. And deep longings. I’m sending out in the Universe my energy, my spirit. Waiting. Listening for the echo to return.

I’m curious to see what it will bring. What new wonders I’ll find, or glimmers of the past experienced anew. Perhaps even unknown harmonies not yet in tune.

But I’m also afraid. Of what won’t bounce back. Of the things and people and experiences that will fade away. That won’t have the strength to resonate. And I’m afraid of forgetting. Forgetting the things that in time give up their own form to support the form of another.

I often wonder what my life would look like had I stayed in DC… more out of curiosity now than longing or heartache. At times it is still difficult to know that I left so much behind. But then I’m reminded  of where I am. And that this moment, right now, is truly a result of all my actions and choices.

I love my neighborhood; it feels like home. I love my city… it can be so many things to so many people and never ceases to amaze and inspire. I love my small circle of friends, that is slowly expanding as my own circle of trust and confidence begins to embrace and welcome more into my life.

It’s not easy. Life never is, I know this. I’ve been through a lot, and I continue to face many difficult and very personal challenges. But I refuse to give up. I’m a fighter. I’m a creative thinker, a doer… and I’m learning to bend with the winds of change…

As all good trees do.

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